Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Crossing the bridge

I am at that crossroads in my life. It's no big deal, everyone goes through it, and they come out of it alive, I know all that, but it's a different thing when it happens to you. You see, I am this college girl who has started going to office. You see?

I feel like such a kid. It is hard enough for me to digest that this is now my life for the rest of my life, to top that, I have to adjust to being treated like the little bug who gets eaten by the bigger bug who is stepped on by the giant human. "You are the lowest in the rung", thats what my HR guy told me in my "orientation". What an ass. I guess, we all have to start there, so I'll learn to live with it.

There is no pampering in office. No Mr Nice guy, no saviour, nothing. It's just you and a whole lot of work. Most of the times I feel lost. Oh how I hate that feeling of being absolutely out-of-place. I miss my google days. They treated us like kings and queens during our internship there. *Sigh*

But college was great. Now I realize why all grownups miss college and school days. Absolutely no responsibilities. Noone to answer to, no money to earn, no work to do, noone can fire you from school and jeopardize your entire career (they can, but they won't). But in office, the first chance they get to squeal on you, they'll take.

Bitter-suite it is actually. It's kind of empowering to be making money and not asking your parents. I love being accountable for something actually, it makes me feel important.

Wow, sounds like I am working for all the wrong reasons.

Hard to digest, truths about myself

So, I promise this one's going to be a light read. Except that it won't and you shouldn't hope for it either.

I have been thinking. Many things. I have been hearing words, eavesdropping on conversations, deciphering song lyrics, analyzing advice and there's a lot going on. Within and without.

My boss today tells me I have a way with words, and I have a promising future as a journalist. This after she told me I need to pull up my socks and perform "up to the mark". Don't get me wrong, she was write in telling me to perform better, I have been goofing up quite a bit, what with it being my first job, I am still struggling with the place and the pace of it all.

I was pretty shattered when she gave me a reality check on the phone. I don't do well with criticism, and I don't know what to do when I know I am trying so hard to perform. It's tough being told "You're not doing it right." when all you really are trying to do, is to do it right! I doubt my abilities in such situations, it's not just a casual experience for me.

I have developed this strange passion for excellence lately. And this love for my career. This strong feeling of direction and dedication. I haven't ever felt it this way before, and so, after trying and feeling, it's kind of disheartening being told what I was told today.

But I guess she made up for it, by telling me she saw me as a promising writer. But I doubt she really felt it. I don't know. All I know is, I got to keep at it. I have never wanted to be something like I want to these days, which is pretty awesome in itself.

So then it got me thinking about "words", and what it means when someone says you have a "way with words". It could mean you know what to say when, but I don't think that's what my boss meant.

For me, writing is all about expression. A good piece of writing, comes from a person with substance. This brings me to the song lyric bit I mentioned earlier. I have re-discovered Coldplay. Their not so new album, "Viva la Vida and Death and all it friends" is quite beautiful. A unique combination of music and lyrics, phenomenal stuff. Though whatever songs I have heard their lyrics are quite contextual, but I still wonder where they came from. I mean, it's easy to write stories, okay not "easy", but what I mean is, storytelling is one thing, you know, one thing leads to another, its more sequential. I like the way their songs are so open to interpretation. A line could be understood independent of the entire song and it would still make sense. That's why I say good writing comes from substance, or a deep understanding, an intense feeling and just the right words.

Such people are rare, whose writings touch your heart. Who say the right words to convey a feeling which all of us feel, but say it in such an ordinary manner. I think that's what leaves me spellbound about Richard Bach's writing. He says the simplest things, in the simplest way, and yet, not in a way you and I can express. Good writing requires a whole lot of reflection and self analysis. You have to take an experience, a feeling, make it yours, feel it completely, deeply and then express it.

I don't quite remember why or when I started writing. I took to it in school, in creative writing competitions. Only when I won one of those competitions I felt I could write and people actually could comprehend what I wrote. It was more about my ideas that time. My creative world of ideas that I could weave into a story. But as I grow, I find myself fascinated with the idea of words. A good writer can express reality in words of fantasy. As my good "friend" Joey says, "It's not what you say, but how you say it."

Am still thinking.

More on this later.