Wednesday, February 12, 2014

V-day Special: Get Out of the Friendzone

If this can't get you out of the friendzone, we're going to need a tow truck to tow you out of there.

It's your favourite day of the year and you're pretending it's really uncool. It's valentine's day, and you're telling everyone how cheesy it is. It's so uncool, man. So sappy, desperate and pathetic. Well, stop pretending because you are all of those things and deep down, you know it.

Now that we've established what miserable, lovesick fools we all are (you all are - I'm just being nice), let's get down to business. You need to get the hell out of the friendzone, this V-day. That's right, the time has come.

1. Get a haircut.

Grow a moustache, I don't care. Just look different, huh? Let him/her look at you in a new light. Now don't do something stupid and tattoo your forehead or something. I mean different good. Not different creepy. There's a fine line. Can't see that line? Then this blog is not for you. Move along.

2. Let's play.

This is the oldest, most effective play in the book. I mean, it is the Rigveda of plays (may my Hindu gods, rishi-munis of great wisdom, forgive me), it's time to play hard-to-get. Ignore her. Talk about another guy in front of him. Don't laugh at his jokes (this is going to kill him). If you see his/her behaviour changing at this point, then, mission successful. Your car is slowly but surely making its way out of the friendzone. You may no longer be the citizen of Loserville. You may not be sleeping on a wet pillow tonight, for you may not be crying your eyes out on Valentine's Day.

3. Compliment.

Now that he or she is simmering with anger like french fries in a deep fryer, it's time to (sprinkle some chaat masala and bite into a handful - sorry, wrong blog), play nice. Exaggerate a bit, maybe compare her to Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt, if you like. I don't care. Compliment him in a way that isn't friendly. Be sincere. Or fake sincerity, sincerely. But please don't get carried away and write her a crappy poem. Not yet. At this stage, if he/she is still smiling at you, I almost have respect for you.

4. The Winning Touch.

Dogs mark their territory by peeing. It's your turn now. Take some ownership give him or her a protective, a 'I'm there for you' kind of hug. This hugs lasts a couple of seconds longer than a friendly hug. Now, don't be creepy. A small gesture will help you establish two things: you'll know if the other person is interested and they'll know you think of them as more than friends. If she doesn't slap you, you're okay. If he is looking at you creepily, you're sending him the wrong signals, girl. Stay away.

5. Welcome to Lovers' Point.

Congratulations, you're out of the friendzone! Never thought you'd make it, but you did, and I'm proud. Now's the time to make the final move. Ask him or her out. If you've read all the signs right, you're never going back to Lonerville. And if he/she's the one for you, I'm expecting a box of chocolates.

Five years later...

Now you can write him/her a crappy love poem. They're going nowhere.

Valentine's Day, 2014 - Make it a happy one.

P.S.: I have nothing against single people.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Hasee toh Phasee: A Review

Anything but 'Cucking Frazy'

Okay, I can't get Hasee toh Phasee out of my mind. I think I'm still trying to make up mind if I liked it or not. No, if I liked it a lot or not. I mean, I guess it's a good movie to watch, it's better than a lot of Hindi movies I have seen recently, but is it awesome? Not sure.

So here's what I liked about the movie: Parineeti and Sidharth.

These guys are naturals, and I mean quite literally. I don't think Parineeti had any make-up on throughout the film, except for kohl during the wedding scenes. That's pretty cool, isn't it? I like her. I'd like to be friends with her.

Sidhartha Malhotra is relatable, very much the boy-next-door, and at the same time really really hot. Really hot. He has played the good-guy so well, I'm afraid Ranbir has some serious competition. Sidharth's character wasn't commitment-phobic (like most male characters in most movies these days). He was not a casanova, a playa. Bad boys move over, commitment is sexy. And thank you, dear writers of the film, for making that point.

Here's what I'm not sure of: The Mind of Meeta

Parineeti seemed so down-to-earth and fun. Meeta, her character, confused me a bit. She clearly was depressed, had issues dealing with emotions, had a high IQ but a low EQ, but at the same time, she was extremely normal. One would think, a depressed person would be, errrm, depressed? What happened there?

It felt like the writers started off with a Sheldon-like character but changed their mind, mid-way. That's what bothers me a bit about the movie. But an interesting attempt, nevertheless.

And finally, if you want to know what misleading marketing is, just look at the posters of Hasee toh Phasee. They got the name wrong. It had hardly anything to do with the story. And the tagline 'Cucking Frazy' has to be the lamest thing I have read in a long time. And it had nothing to do with the story. Why would they want to make it look like a brainless comedy when it is so, so much more? It sounds like a movie starring Govinda, Raveena Tandon and Mohnish Behl (not that I have anything against this starcast -  I am quite the Govinda fan).

Overall, if a movie makes you think so much, it's a good movie. Kudos to Parineeti - please don't conform to the bollywood standards of body image - you are beautiful; Sidharth - don't disappoint with the next film (like Ayushmann who did Vicky Donor and then went on to do Nautanki Saala! - really?); and to everyone else, go watch Hasee toh Phasee to laugh, cry and for two characters that stay with you, long after the movie is over. And to believe in 'lowe', now that V-day is approaching ;)

P.S.: A special mention to the song 'Ishq Bulava' featuring Sanam Puri, who has a distinct and beautiful voice. That song is stuck in my head. Also 'Shake it like Shammi'.