To Just Be.

Why does it all have to be so 'unconscious'? And make sense only in retrospect everytime? Why can't I "see" my life changing? The "phases" of my life...Why can't we tell one phase from the other while we are in them? I guess that's why we need friends and generally, people, so that we have an outsider to tell us, "oh, it's just a phase.." or "awww...this is love!" or "don't worry, you WILL move on!" or "honey, there is something better in store for you..." Jeez! Are we just CONDITIONED to WAIT. Just wait. Wait for things to happen. Wait till you are old enough. Like Right now, I know what a kid I am. How scared I am. How "directionless" I am and how lazy I am. I see that for myself, and yet I don't see a way out. How does one GROW UP? Is there a ladder I can climb? *Looks at you pitifully!* I have never been in a hurry to grow up, really, never wanted to go to a disc when I was fourteen, never was in a hurry to have a boyfriend (debatable), never in a hurry to do "it" (still not) or all those things that kids are in a hurry to do. But today I sit here thinking, and my god, with so many "opportunities" from God, I still am such a kid. And here's the kiddish part, I dont want to take any responsibility for my actions. I don't want to take a call. I still want to be able to say at the end of the day, "hey, I did it because You, told me to..." This is NOT what I wanted to see myself as after three years of college. Bah.

Or maybe it's just "institutionalisation". There I go again. Blaming the system. Maybe it's just something that "happens", "unconsciously", as one steps out into the world. Really, am I so insignificant that things will just keep "happening" to me all my life while I "wait" for them to happen! Jeez Lewizzz (unfamiliar with this expression but seemed apt)!

No man. I refuse to let things happen to me. I am done living in such "unawareness". I refuse to believe I am made for that purpose. To just Be.

*Uuuuughhhh* Disgusting.