To Forgiveness and all that Jazz

How many words can you say to get me to forgive you? Keep trying you, someday, something may just do the trick...What do the words even mean? And how does it even matter now? What is expected of my "forgiveness"? And maturity? In a matter of six months? wow! What I had been trying to get you to do in four years! Woohoo! Love? Are you kidding me? What do these words even mean? My mental dictionary is totally in a state of flux, still! You figured out already?! Bravo! 

The only thought I have today is that, none of it was worth this. Except for the fact that I am stronger now and blah-dy blah, I wasted my time. Before you give yourself undue importance, let me tell you, that I am not angry, and as far as I am concerned you are "forgiven", for I don't know who you are. What makes me sad, and kills me everyday, in each moment, perhaps, is the fact that I lost someone I loved. I loved and I lost, and fuck whoever said that "its better to have lost than to have never loved at all", he was a man, and had no idea what he was talking about. I have never seen a death in my family, till April 1st. I lost a man I had truly loved. Perhaps that was the day I realized I had lost him, for he was gone much before that day. 

April 1st: Haha. I truly felt like a fool that day. A fool to have loved. And boy, do I regret it!

Anyhoo, donot flatter yourself. The guy I speak of is dead, doesn't exist and was probably my imagination. 

What is flattering is the power one gives to their beloved. While the power he had over me was because of love, what you feel now, is due to sheer guilt. But no sweat, I don't enjoy having power over you, i truly think it's pretty pathetic. 

The irony of ironies remains, however, the power, a powerless man has over me! 

Talking about fiction and reality. So which bubble are you living in these days? 

I'm sorry to be sounding rude sir, but I don't have much respect for you. I hope you are "on your feet" now, and I hope so only for you, stranger. I see you as a third person, and I regret to inform you that I cant help but judge you for what you have done in your past. Your credibilty, your character, are all hanging under the Damascus' sword at the moment. 

Lastly, you should know that I am not angry. And like you, I am also trying to crawl out of this sad place that is inside me. And like you, I am trying to understand why I have lost my love, and like you, I am trying to forgive myself for loving someone so deeply. Finally, like you, I am trying, to give myself a second chance. 

Acts of absolute futility.